Youll be in my heart

I know that I have written a little about my gama in past blogs and if you are friends with me on Facebook or follow my twitter then you kinda have an idea of whats going on, if not Ill write a little background. She was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, went through chemo, lost her hair, got wigs, grew back some of the hair, fought on, loved people and lived life even though she was weakening everyday.
October of 2010 came around she was put in the hospital and found out her lungs were filling up with fluid. She was given a week to live and sent home but they didnt count on her being the most stubborn person in the world, she made it through that week and I thought she would start getting better. The first time I saw her she told me that I needed to take care of Bampa and make him accept that she was going to die, that I needed to understand how much she loved me and not to worry cause everything happens for a reason. I really cant explain quite how hard it was to hear my favorite person in the world say that to me. I literally cried for a week straight.
My mom started going over to take care of her everyday and I came on Sundays so Bampa and my mom could go to church without worrying. I read to her, told her alot of what she prolly thought was boring drivel and pestered her to eat. I honestly thought she would stay weak but stable for a lot longer then she did. Slowly she kept getting worse and worse, I kept trying to prepare myself by saying my "final" goodbyes to her everytime I saw her...but of course no one can really be fully prepared for death. A few weeks ago she really got worse so my mom started staying over full time and I came over as work allowed. I know it took a toll on my mom, I didnt even stay over that much but it hit me pretty hard.
My uncle came into town to suprise her a few days ago, she seemed to be really stoked on that.Tuesday I went to see her, she was pretty out of it from the pain meds and couldnt really talk loud enough to hear so I just told her a bunch of mishmash from my days, I told her about going to Savannah and tried to show her pictures though Im sure with her eyesight she couldnt see them. When I was ready to leave she grabbed me and frantically told me how much she loved me and she wanted to make sure I really understood that fact. I wanted to cry but I hated crying in front of her.
Yesterday I started my new job at the spa, my sweet boss gave me the choice of starting next week so I could stay with my gama but I made it through the day and went to see her afterwards. My gama was in a coma and had been since that morning, she was barely breathing. We all took turns sitting with her, I was afraid to walk out of the room but sitting there and seeing her only breathe every few seconds was one of the hardest things Ive had to do. Everytime she stopped breathing my body would too...it hurt to see. I dont understand why she kept fighting to stay alive.
Finally at 9 pm last night she took her last breath. It was snowing like a mad dog but I wimped out and made Jess come get me. I didnt want to be there to see her body get taken away.
I feel completly lost right now, Ive never had anyone this close to me die. My brain is fighting the reality of it. I know it really was best for her, she was suffering but I dont know what I am going to do without her. If you knew her you know she was one of the strongest people alive, she litteraly never complained the whole time she was sick, she was loving, she would ask you about your life and care about the answers though she was stuck in a chair. She was the sick one but she would still worry about everyone else more then herself. All I can think about is how much I am going to miss her, she wont ever sing to me to wake me up, she wont call me just because she wanted to hear my voice, we wont ever work in her yard again, No more cooking together for the holidays or dancing around in her wig to make her laugh. I wanted her to be at my wedding and see my children be born so they could understand what an awesome person she was. I wanted her to see me make something of myself but instead she will be watching me from afar and Ill be stuck here with memories and people telling me the cliche Im sorry for your loss bit.
Im very grateful for the overwhelming amount of love my entire family has recieved the last few months I dont know if I can ever express how much it means. I hope people will read this and understand how important family is and spend as much time as possible with the ones you love because you really dont know how much time you have and you will definitly regret it when that time is cut short.
Im trying to remember her life, the good times, not her death. I wasnt huge on family until really last year and I regret I didnt take more pictures or go see her and Bampa more often. My hearts broken for my poor gramps and the huge hole thats going to be in his life now. I dont really know what else to write...if you knew her and would like to be updated on the funeral status and such let me know.

Animal Print Madness

I have a small obsession with animal prints, cheetah of course being my favorite. Over the years Ive recovered a chair, made a dress, bought ridiculous ammounts of  clothes and even found some 1" plugs all in lovely animal prints.
I also love anything pinup/retro/50's etc you get the picture...a while back while preparing for a photoshoot I came across this site
pinupgirlclothing.com
Its the mothership for all things old school AND has tons of cheetah print goodness. I adore it!!! The sad part is everything, and I do mean everything is pretty expensive for this bargain loving girl.
Anyways gettting to the point Ive been wanting to get a new bathing suit, with a little more flare and a lot more coverage, for a while when I came across the most perfect one I have ever seen! I will admit I shelled out the dough and bought it eeep...most expensive thing besides a winter coat Ive bought in a good minute. I recieved it in the mail yesterday and immediatly tried it on even though I didnt get home till 1am this morning.
Here is a poor quality picture, I still havent gotten good at taking self photos. I do plan on doing a photoshoot with it so I promise some better pictures will be up oooor you can always mosey on over to the site yourself and see the real deal. You might be tempted to buy everything like I am though.

Isnt it just amazing??!!

Georgia Loving (Photo Heavy)

Alrighty so at 9:30 Tuesday night me and my man friend left for Savannah Georgia. We were very excited, cant you tell? We sang many songs and danced in our seats until I got sleepy and went into dream mode. Jess' car always makes me sleepy though Im not sure why.

First time I have seen my sister in 8 months. We went to huddle house with her boyfriend Dallas upon ariving to Savannah. Poor Jess drove through the night to get us there at 6am, he was a bit loopy Im afraid.

This was right before we crashed for a few hours. As you can see we look higher then all get out.

First stop on our tour of the city was Bonaventure Cemetery. My sister loves all things history expecially cemeteries. Jess made me take this picture please blame him.

Im not too big on gravestones though I do love me anything that has a New Orleansish feel to it. I couldnt get over these gorgeous trees. Legend has it that after the wars moss grew off of all the trees where people had been hung. Kinda creepy but very beautiful.

Kathryn led us to this Jewish mausoleum to feed my Jew obsession. We couldnt go inside it unfortunatly. I meant to throw a penny at it but I was afraid theyd be fighting over it for all eternity.

 Next we went to Tybee Island. A sweet little beach community. It was beyond freezing!! Luckily Kat had some clothes in the truck, we dug through it found something warm and headed out to the sand.

The fog set in about 4 minutes after getting out in the water. We kept on going and it endded up being very worth it.

The pier was like maybe a half a football field in front of us but as you can see its invisible.

I love this boy more then life. Hes my perfect other half. I need to get some of these pictures put in a collage and framed. We looked a hot wet mess after walking through the fog for a few hours. I never knew that it could leave you dripping and soggy.

He carried me over the sharp shells so my poor feet wouldnt hurt. Such a gentlemen. After Kathryn showed us around the beach we drove downtown but we were so wet and cold we didnt want to walk around. We went back to her house, showered and got ready to go out to eat. We walked down the riverfront to get to a restaurant called Spankys. It was mediocre to say the least buuut I enjoyed it regardless. I got to meet a really awesome girl named Lindsey who is from Seatle. She stoked my fire to travel to Portland pretty hard.

I didnt get too many more pictures of the trip. It wasnt too eventful. The next day after some major snuggling me and Jess ventured back to Tybee alone. We went out to the end of the pier narrowly escaping a mass of pigeons the size of my head.

We were pretty frozen at this point but being the stubborn person I am I wanted to see as much of the beach as possible since I rarely get to go. We walked all over, looking at shops, I bought my sissy a shot glass, and then the cold ended up winning and we left.

We drove around downtown until Kat got off work, went home, ate food, I got sick the rest of the night so we spent it inside, away from the rain, watching movies. The next day we got up went to return her house key to her at her work at the art gallery then we left for Atlanta. I have wanted to eat at the Varsity fooorever so we decided to take the time to do it. We both got a burger and a chili dog...fatties I know but it was sooo yummy. I didnt like the service though, as soon as you enter the door you are bombarded with a buncha ghetto girls yelling "whatll you have whatll you have"...Im not big on loud noises so it bothered me a bit...also that they charge for drink refills. I didnt take anymore pics besides a buttload of my sisters cat Gravy who I hopefully will own as soon as shes fixed. She stayed attached to my side the entired time we were at the house. Isnt she just the cutest thing youve ever seen??

Im pretty happy with the way the last few days have gone. I got a job today at the Trace Resort Store and Spa!! Finally get to get out of Walgreens!! Yall come book a facial with me!! Anyways sorry for the insanly long post but I had a lot to say. Talk to yall later!!

ADVENTURE TIME

Late tonight me and the man friend will be leaving for the hopefully sunny shores of Savannah Georgia to see my sister!!! She moved down there last May and I havent had time to go see her. We used to hangout all the time when she lived in the Boro and I have missed our good sisterly times horribly. I hear Savannah is really pretty with its beaches and old timey feel.

Any place with trees like that is a place I want to be. Kinda reminds me of New Orleans...well pre flood more like.

Ive just come back from yet another interview, hopefully something good will come out of it. Im doing better at not losing heart where jobs are concerned, what happens happens for a reason right? I get a whole week off from Walgreens hell and I plan on taking full advantage of this. I need more blogs to read...suggest some for me?

Making Waves

Or trying to.

You know I found the perfect radio station on pandora...its Matt and Kim. The best mix of everything soft I love. Plenty of Arctic Monkeys and M&K.
Pretty stoked on this.

I feel like Ive really been getting things done this week.
Ive had several more interviews
Got an esthetics job
Denied said job for the paltry pay
Learning how to do my taxes
Watched much american idol
danced
schemed
Crafted.

Ill post some pictures of my crafties tomorrow or something, whenever I have time for more than typing.
I need more blogs to read!!

Suggestions?

Freedom

I dont want to be so weighed down anymore. Im confused about my future, Im afraid about the coming death of my gama, Im lonely for my past friends and constantly frustrated.

My heart is stone heavy right now. I dont like being this way. Im not a sad camper ever but the past few months Ive been an outright nightmare. I feel bad that Jess has to deal with it honestly.

I am trying to be more positive I really am...I promise!!!

On a better note I think the supplements my gramps got me for my knee are helping. Pain free for two days so far. I hope it continues but Im afraid it might be that I havent been working as much.
Also my hands are so cold they are vampire white haha did I really just say that. BUT seriously its kinda gross looking.

Whatever why am I still typing this useless post.
hooodywhooo yalllll!!!

Welp

Its the new year and I havent even posted anything yet. I dont know how I am so good at Twittering on a daily basis and even tumblr but I cant get the hang of actually blogging. One of my goals is to try to post a few times a week.

Soooo in this new year already I
passed my state boards
am a licensed esthetician
filled out a bazillion job aps
sent out a bazillion resumes
had a few interviews
nothing overly hopefull

All I know is I need out of Walgreens and I need it now. That job is sucking the life out of me. I know I am probably being a baby about it, not everyone gets to have a good job but when I look around to see so many people with jobs that dont suck it takes me a bit on the j side. I dont think it is too much to ask to have a job that is creative and body mod friendly now is it? I am definitly not made for retail. It literaly drains a piece of me every day I go in.
If anyone out there is reading this for some obscure reason and can hook me up I will gladly take any job you would like to throw at me.

Im not into new years resolutions and I did a tumblr post vaugly about this but some of my new years goals are:
To get in shape...so cliche right
To make and stick to a schedule....as much as my job allows
To eat better/ homecooked foods...since my gamas been sick thats kinda fallen away
To get an esthetics/creative based job...if there are any out there
To find ways to be creative/do art every day
To find a few more classes to take to expand my esthetics knowledge
Find a gym and become a member
Find a new place to live
BUDGET MYSELF
and last but not least
Quit letting my fears control me

I think this is a bit daunting but if I actually try to stick to it then it can work out right??