Sunday, February 13, 2011

Its a new day

Not trying to have a drama blog but I gotta get this offa my chest.
You know it really sucks when you think you found your perfect match and they just end up breaking your heart. I really thought we had a forever kind of thing. I thought we'd be one of the few couples that could last. I actually thought about marriage with this boy. We like most of the same things and could finish each others thoughts. We went on roadtrips, watched endless movies, talked long into the night and never really had any huge fights.  He was the first boy to actually treat me like a human, he was caring and there for me when no one else was, but in the end he thought it'd be really cool to get drunk, act like a child, talk shit about me to MY friends that I introduced him to, and try to push me around.
I always knew he was a violent person but he never was to me so I didn't worry. He never really even got too mad at me unless he was being jealous...which actually come to think of it happened quite alot. He is a very possesive person and I am a freebird at heart. He told me I deserved for my grandmother to die, he said he wished I would too, all because one of my ladyfriends, that I hadn't seen in a year, was over to hangout. He was jealous and insensitive when I needed comfort the most because my GRANDMOTHER HAD JUST DIED NO BIG DEAL RIGHT!!!!????
I know some people think "it was only one time" or "he was drunk and didn't mean it" but abuse has always been a no go in my life. I've seen women get the shit kicked out of them time after time and still go back because they are afraid of being alone. I always promised myself, especially after the last relationship I was in, that I would give no second chances if this happened to me. He may "just" push you around the first time but the next he could break an arm...I like my arms I use them in everyday life I don't have time for them to get broken. I also dont have time to baby sit someone whos going to be so sensitive about everything. I am a people person, I thrive on relationships and interaction but everytime I wanted to hangout with someone regarless of gender he would get butthurt and act like I never spent time with him. Read: we spend almost every day together as a result.
I legitimatly thought he loved me and had my best in mind but being drunk is never an excuse to go as far as he did. There is no turning back after that. Being drunk releases whats been on your mind all along and obviously he has had alot of pent up aggression towards me for a while. He never was good at communication even though I tried and tried to encourage it.
Basically it hurts that he'd do this to me, especially under the circumstances and the fact that Im grieving a loss. It hurts that my friends would even tolerate listening to him talk shit about me when I would of defened them to the end. I guess this is just more proof that I need to be done with the old and look forward to the new. I deserve better then some boy who will lie to get what he wants, get overly jealous, drinks too much and may or may not be safe to be around.
I need someone who wont put me on a pedestal and then get crazy when they realize I cant measure up. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I get angry and hurt, I dont always show emotion but it is there. I wont ever lie down and let someone ruin me.
That is all.


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  2. I have been in the exact same situation and know what you went through. The good news is you got out before anything else could have happened which takes HUGE amounts of courage and confidence.

    Good for you. If he didn't see how great you are then he's the one that's off his rocker....xo