Thursday, February 10, 2011

Youll be in my heart

I know that I have written a little about my gama in past blogs and if you are friends with me on Facebook or follow my twitter then you kinda have an idea of whats going on, if not Ill write a little background. She was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, went through chemo, lost her hair, got wigs, grew back some of the hair, fought on, loved people and lived life even though she was weakening everyday.
October of 2010 came around she was put in the hospital and found out her lungs were filling up with fluid. She was given a week to live and sent home but they didnt count on her being the most stubborn person in the world, she made it through that week and I thought she would start getting better. The first time I saw her she told me that I needed to take care of Bampa and make him accept that she was going to die, that I needed to understand how much she loved me and not to worry cause everything happens for a reason. I really cant explain quite how hard it was to hear my favorite person in the world say that to me. I literally cried for a week straight.
My mom started going over to take care of her everyday and I came on Sundays so Bampa and my mom could go to church without worrying. I read to her, told her alot of what she prolly thought was boring drivel and pestered her to eat. I honestly thought she would stay weak but stable for a lot longer then she did. Slowly she kept getting worse and worse, I kept trying to prepare myself by saying my "final" goodbyes to her everytime I saw her...but of course no one can really be fully prepared for death. A few weeks ago she really got worse so my mom started staying over full time and I came over as work allowed. I know it took a toll on my mom, I didnt even stay over that much but it hit me pretty hard.
My uncle came into town to suprise her a few days ago, she seemed to be really stoked on that.Tuesday I went to see her, she was pretty out of it from the pain meds and couldnt really talk loud enough to hear so I just told her a bunch of mishmash from my days, I told her about going to Savannah and tried to show her pictures though Im sure with her eyesight she couldnt see them. When I was ready to leave she grabbed me and frantically told me how much she loved me and she wanted to make sure I really understood that fact. I wanted to cry but I hated crying in front of her.
Yesterday I started my new job at the spa, my sweet boss gave me the choice of starting next week so I could stay with my gama but I made it through the day and went to see her afterwards. My gama was in a coma and had been since that morning, she was barely breathing. We all took turns sitting with her, I was afraid to walk out of the room but sitting there and seeing her only breathe every few seconds was one of the hardest things Ive had to do. Everytime she stopped breathing my body would hurt to see. I dont understand why she kept fighting to stay alive.
Finally at 9 pm last night she took her last breath. It was snowing like a mad dog but I wimped out and made Jess come get me. I didnt want to be there to see her body get taken away.
I feel completly lost right now, Ive never had anyone this close to me die. My brain is fighting the reality of it. I know it really was best for her, she was suffering but I dont know what I am going to do without her. If you knew her you know she was one of the strongest people alive, she litteraly never complained the whole time she was sick, she was loving, she would ask you about your life and care about the answers though she was stuck in a chair. She was the sick one but she would still worry about everyone else more then herself. All I can think about is how much I am going to miss her, she wont ever sing to me to wake me up, she wont call me just because she wanted to hear my voice, we wont ever work in her yard again, No more cooking together for the holidays or dancing around in her wig to make her laugh. I wanted her to be at my wedding and see my children be born so they could understand what an awesome person she was. I wanted her to see me make something of myself but instead she will be watching me from afar and Ill be stuck here with memories and people telling me the cliche Im sorry for your loss bit.
Im very grateful for the overwhelming amount of love my entire family has recieved the last few months I dont know if I can ever express how much it means. I hope people will read this and understand how important family is and spend as much time as possible with the ones you love because you really dont know how much time you have and you will definitly regret it when that time is cut short.
Im trying to remember her life, the good times, not her death. I wasnt huge on family until really last year and I regret I didnt take more pictures or go see her and Bampa more often. My hearts broken for my poor gramps and the huge hole thats going to be in his life now. I dont really know what else to write...if you knew her and would like to be updated on the funeral status and such let me know.


  1. Oh this is so sad.
    You must be feeling much worse than what you have written here. I think you are very brave, and the best thing that you could do now is to take care of your Granddad now and give to him her share of your love too.

    Your Grandma sounds like a strong lady, you talk of her willpower and outlook in such an inspiring way, I'm sure that your future children will see this too, and her legend will live on.

    Look after yourself and your family, although you are a new blog friend of mine, I am thinking of you and am sorry for your loss.
    Samantha x

  2. Thank you lady. You dont know how much it means to me to have this outpouring of love from everyone. i am trying to stay strong for my family...prolly not doing to good of a job.
    Im trying to look to the future